What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 17:28
When she asked me how she looked .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why does my penis look like a mushroom when it gets big?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What is the best comeback you used on someone?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
What is something you have to share?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Did another parent ever tell you something about your child that you didn’t know?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
This is soul school!.
Why don't people like Nickelback?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Does pressing a girls boobs hurt?
I think the readers, may guess!
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Would this be the day?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im still living with it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot live in the past .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I said to her
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Who then, do I blame.?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i do to all so called friends.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He knew the spot.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But, we were locked up after school.
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.